Fears and Desires
by Jarris Shepard
Summary: Slight spoilers this time. I'll make a spoiler page so you have the chance to turn back.
1. spoiler page

spoiler page...

though i tried to keep specific details out of the story

do not continue if you wish to not be spoiled


	2. Fears and Desires

Title: Fears and Desires  
>Rating: T+<br>Summary: a little fic that started as what I thought would happen when Fenris received Varric's letter about where Hawke had gone after the Adamant Fortress mission and the Fade, but that sneaky Blackwall and his Lady Trevelyan had another idea.  
>Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Age or it's characters, though the thoughts of the inquisitor are my own with the PC female Trevelyan that I'm using in my first play through. All rights belong to Bioware. I gain nothing but enjoyment from this fictional work.<br>Notes: Slight possible spoilers ahead, nothing major if you've played up to Adamant Fortress. The Here Lies the Abyss Mission in Dragon Age Inquisition.

Skyhold's doors burst open, interrupting the conversation between the Inquisitor and her companions, Varric and Cassandra, and no one had a chance to react as a rush of blue had the Dwarven companion pinned to a wall with feet dangling above the floor. A smooth, deep voice, anger barely held in check, followed dangerously. "Where is she? Where is Hawke?" The dwarf found himself pulled from and then banged against the wall once more. "What has happened to my wife, Dwarf, that you write to me and she does not?"  
>Varric's hands were out and motioning his friends to stand down, for both women had finally drawn mace and dagger in reaction to the fracas. Analia expected the dwarf's voice to be choked and strangled when he answered, but it was clear and untroubled. She noted that the hands at his throat had hold of lapels rather than skin. "Now, Broody, Hawke is fine. She's probably on her way back here now."<br>As Varric spoke further, the inquisitor studied the man holding her companion aloft. He was tall and slender, a misleading build hid the strength of him. His snowy hair, white as Hawke's or her own, was disheveled, and the white lines marking his skin, the color of turned leaves, were glowing a slight, lyrium blue. She took note of the large, moss green eyes, filled more with fear than anger, before perceiving his pointed ears. "He's an elf." The wonder in her voice was unmistakable. Elves were not known for feats of strength, even as warriors.  
>The two against the wall didn't acknowledge, but Cassandra had her own thoughts. "I suspect this is the Champion's beloved, Fenris."<br>"Should we intervene?" Analia mused aloud.  
>"Oh, I don't think Varric is in any real danger. It is nice to watch one of his schemes turned back upon him at last." She was enjoying the show thoroughly. The most likely candidate for Thedas' next Divine took in the look of utter shock on her inquisitor's face. "What? I'm not the divine yet. Let me enjoy this while I still can." There was a small sadness in her voice that had Analia reaching a hand out to comfort her dear friend.<br>The sound of a new voice pulled them back to the scene before them. "Fenris, Love, let Varric down. He is not the one you are truly angry with, after all." Lithe fingers covered the elf's.  
>"Yes. He is." The delicious voice deadpanned. "I am cross at the both of you. Why Gray? What were you thinking coming here alone?" The elf lowered Varric to the floor and turned to his dearest. The scowl on his face gave to a confused look of hurt.<br>Hawke took his face in her hands then, carressing the Lyrium lines on his chin with her thumbs. "Oh, love, I was thinking that at least one of us should stay safe. It was my knowledge of Corypheus that was needed here. That I needed to know you were there, that you would be there when I could not be." She was speaking softly and difficult to hear. When her voice slipped lower, for her lover's ears only the tension left him suddenly and he pulled her into an impressive kiss. There was a sated grin on Hawke's face when they parted, though he did not let her go. "Now, husband of mine, where have you left our son?"  
>"He is here. I left him with Avenline in the courtyard. She was going to stable the horses and join us here."<br>"I didn't see her, and you dragged Aveline here. With Bethany still so young, you dragged her mother half-way across Thedas." Hawke was sounding annoyed now. Analia got the impression that their lives were like this often. There was teasing anger, but underneath was a mutual need of the other's presence.  
>Fenris barked a laugh. "There was no dragging to be done. It was all I could do to keep up with her. Bethany is safe in Kirkwall with Donnic and Orana to watch over her."<br>Yet another voice joined the conversation as the inquisitor and her companions watched from the sides. "He did try to persuade me to stay in Kirkwall, but I wouldn't hear of it. As for your son, he has his mother's tendency to wander off and get himself lost. That's what took me so long to arrive here. I was searching him out." She shook her head. "He's got your talent for sneaking as well, I turned for a moment to help stable the horses and when I turned back he was gone. At least he also has your talent of making friends and not his father's unapproachable demeanor." She was laughing at Fenris look of abuse. "He'd found his way into the stable house and met this charming fellow, who refused to relinquish the boy."  
>"We already knew that he takes after Hawke, but where is my son, Aveline?" Fenris asked still holding tight to his Champion.<br>"I believe that this is the bit of mischief you're looking for." Blackwall's distinctive rumble was filled with amusement as he stepped from behind the large red-headed woman. He was bouncing the child in his arms while the tiny child was gleefully tugging at the man's signature beard. Analia froze at the sight of her love holding this child with such ease and obvious delight. An ache began in her spreading from her belly into her heart, as she took in this vision. The child certainly favored Fenris. His coloring and the delicate points of his ears, the shape of his wide eyes were all from his father, but the color of those eyes came from Hawke.  
>Cassandra's attention was pulled from their guests at a sharp gasp from beside her. Her hand automatically found the hilt of her mace as she searched for the danger. As she found none she looked back to her friend, and the look on her face clarified the sound. The inquisitor stood as though stunned, a look of unreserved adoration upon her face as she watched her chosen love with the child. The former Seeker's hand moved from her hilt to cover the knowing smile blooming on her face. When the younger woman's own hand came to rest gently on her middle it was an image that Cassandra could not keep for herself. She nudged the grumbling surface dwarf beside her and indicated their friend with a toss of her head.<br>Varric's grumbling halted and he chuckled softly. "Poor bastard, doesn't know what he's done." At this, Cassandra burst out with a laugh.  
>The enchantment was short lived when Blackwall disentangled the tiny fingers from his, now disheveled, beard. "All right lad, lets get you to your mum and your da. He's a fine boy, Hawke." He stated presenting said boy to his parents.<br>"Come here, my little Malcom. Mum's missed you fiercely little elf." She reached out for him.  
>As he saw and recognized her, the bright blue eyes lit up and he let out and excited, "Ma!" Hawke took possession of her son and buried her face in his hair. She felt her world tilt as the strength left her legs and her knees weakened. The thought of what she'd almost done. That she'd almost left these two men, the tiny one in her arms and the fully grown one wrapped around her, stealing her ability to stand.<br>Luckily, the strength in Fenris' hold was up to the task of keeping her upright. His heart, however stopped in terror. "Hawke! What is the matter?" The lack of a response chilled him and he tried again. "Grayslin, my beloved, what is wrong?"  
>Her eventual answer chilled him to the bone. "I'm so sorry, Fenris. I volunteered for something that would have been irreversible had the Inquisitor not taken another's volunteer as more just. Forgive me, my love." It wasn't so much her words as the way her voice trembled and the anguish within it, and then the tears upon her face as she kissed him ardently.<br>The group with them decided that they needed some time alone. Cassandra and Varric made excuses and left before the pair had even parted. Aveline, Blackwall and Analia moved a little distance away to give the couple a bit of privacy as they awaited the pair's separation.  
>"They might be a bit." The guard captain stated. "I take it she nearly died again."<br>Analia sighed and nodded, suddenly more glad than she had been that she'd chosen Stroud to stay behind in the fade. "It is a long story but the gist is she volunteered to stay behind and allow our group escape. It could only have resulted in her death, but another was there to accept that burden."  
>"Fenris is going to be beyond furious. I think I'll find something to occupy myself while they talk. Malcom's presence will temper the both of them so I'll leave him to them. Am I to understand that you have the former knight-captain here amongst your people?"<br>"Cullen is likely still in his office." Blackwall stated jumping at the chance of escape. "I'll show you to him." He turned to place a loving palm to Analia's cheek. "I'll see you later, Love." Then with a swift kiss he was leading Aveline out the doors once more. Analia waited until the couple came up for air and offered the empty war room for a private place to talk while she made certain that rooms were readied for them.  
>Some hours later, she was watching the clouds move across the stars of an unwounded sky out on the balcony facing the surrounding mountains, when a pair of warm, strong arms circled her waist and a wall of a chest came to rest against her back. He nuzzled her hair and placed a chaste kiss to the nape of her neck. "Finally get Hawke's bunch settled, then?"<br>"They're in the newest repaired tower suite." She said her hands stroking his arms. "And where have you been, My Thom?"  
>"Here and there, Love. Had they calmed down any by the time you left them?" His lips brushed the shell of her ear as he spoke and she shivered delight.<br>Her hands came sliding up to delve through his thick hair and pull his face forward so that her smooth cheek was pressed to his whiskered one. "More or less. Aveline was right, Fenris is livid with Hawke, but I doubt anything could pry him from her side. And where is here and there?"  
>He chuckled, letting his hands roam and caress this woman he held so dear. "I delivered Aveline to Cullen's office and finished that latest carving I was working on. After, I delivered it to the vill. There is a new family come. I'll start on another rocker for them as soon as I find the right wood for it."<br>Analia turned her face to press a smiling kiss to his mouth. "Do you know how much I love you, Thom Blackwall?"  
>"At least as much as I love you?" He asked nuzzling her back for another longer kiss.<br>"At the very least. You are magnificent with the children you know?" She said looking briefly back to the stars.  
>"Am I, what makes you say that?"<br>"You are constantly making toys for the village children. Malcom certainly seemed quite at ease with you. He doesn't even know you."  
>"I think that had more to do with the rampant curiosity in the boy. He's a good lad though." Blackwall's chin was rubbing across the crown of her head as he spoke.<br>"You genuinely enjoy children don't you?" She turned in his arms so that she could meet his eyes and watch his expressions, and of course snuggle that much close to his warmth.  
>"I do," he nodded, "always have. Their innocence and honest curiosity are refreshing." He wondered where she was leading him, though he had his suspicions.<br>"Have you never thought to have your own children?"  
>He chuckled at the confirmed suspicion. "Not really, no. As a soldier, I didn't have time to sow a family. As the Warden constable, I didn't have room for even a companion."<br>"What about now?" She was trembling against him as a delicate finger traced over his lips.  
>He kissed the finger before answering. "Only with you, my heart, and only if you want them as well."<br>"I never had wanted children. Oh, I love them dearly, my nieces and nephews are wonderful, but the whole of my life, growing up noble, I was told that it was my duty to marry well and produce my husband's heirs. I hated that I had no choice in it. I balked and rebelled at the mere mention of it." She hid herself against his broad chest and held tight a moment.  
>"If put to me that way, I'd feel the same, I expect." His hands were soothing on her back.<br>"Today, when I watched you with Malcom," she looked up at him then, "I fairly ached to see you like that with our child. I wanted, for the first time, to have a child of my own because it would be your child as well." His mouth descended to hers then and took it fervently.  
>"Perhaps we should start on that child now." His voice was deeper and full of love for her with a bit of teasing to it as well.<br>"I think I'd very much like that, My Thom." She was moving them in toward their bed.  
>"Good, even the return of Corypheus couldn't keep me from having you at this moment." There was no answer to his statement as her mouth was captured again and again after that kiss. Both their mouths were kept busy until they slept, wrapped in each other's embrace.<p> 


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